RM Court - AITA

[tragabigzanda]

There is a wolf in me . . . fangs pointed for tearing gashes . . . a red tongue for raw meat . . . and the hot lapping of blood—I keep this wolf because the wilderness gave it to me and the wilderness will not let it go.

There is a fox in me . . . a silver-gray fox . . . I sniff and guess . . . I pick things out of the wind and air . . . I nose in the dark night and take sleepers and eat them and hide the feathers . . . I circle and loop and double-cross.

There is a hog in me . . . a snout and a belly . . . a machinery for eating and grunting . . . a machinery for sleeping satisfied in the sun—I got this too from the wilderness and the wilderness will not let it go.

There is a fish in me . . . I know I came from salt-blue water-gates . . . I scurried with shoals of herring . . . I blew waterspouts with porpoises . . . before land was . . . before the water went down . . . before Noah . . . before the first chapter of Genesis.

There is a baboon in me . . . clambering-clawed . . . dog-faced . . . yawping a galoot's hunger . . . hairy under the armpits . . . here are the hawk-eyed hankering men . . . here are the blonde and blue-eyed women . . . here they hide curled asleep waiting . . . ready to snarl and kill . . . ready to sing and give milk . . . waiting—I keep the baboon because the wilderness says so.

There is an eagle in me and a mockingbird . . . and the eagle flies among the Rocky Mountains of my dreams and fights among the Sierra crags of what I want . . . and the mockingbird warbles in the early forenoon before the dew is gone, warbles in the underbrush of my Chattanoogas of hope, gushes over the blue Ozark foothills of my wishes—And I got the eagle and the mockingbird from the wilderness.

O, I got a zoo, I got a menagerie, inside my ribs, under my bony head, under my red-valve heart—and I got something else: it is a man-child heart, a woman-child heart: it is a father and mother and lover: it came from God-Knows-Where: it is going to God-Knows-Where—For I am the keeper of the zoo: I say yes and no: I sing and kill and work: I am a pal of the world: I came from the wilderness.

[tree_]

Lacking any context I’d say you are being super reactive and not making much sense

Hmm... I can see that. There is a lot of history being referred to.

[Anders]

Can you forgive them in your heart, and fully give them another chance?

[tree_]

Can you forgive them in your heart, and fully give them another chance?

it's so exhausting, taxing.. i just don't have the energy, with everything else i have going on

also they have always been rude, unkind, unloving to my wife, who's been nothing but kind and loving to them

why invite that into your life if you don't have to?

[Anders]

Why do you think they are rude to your wife? That seems like a very serious issue. Difficult to move past.

[tree_]

Why do you think they are rude to your wife? That seems like a very serious issue. Difficult to move past.

for example, the way they say: "it must be hard to be married to her".. with all past context, we know what they are saying. We know them very well. They don't seem to appreciate how my life has actually vastly improved since I met her and started a family. They are jealous of her for taking me away from them and are reacting childishly.

[Alex]

As someone who’s cut off contact with a parent after a cycle of emotional abuse (my dad might have something resembling Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or, as it’s colloquially called, “Tragabigzandism”), I can say it’s rather peaceful to be free of the intrusions.

The main thing I’d offer is for you to try to set up and enforce some boundaries before ending all contact. Explain the boundaries well—what they are and why you need them. If boundaries are continually disrespected, then cutting off all contact is a viable option.

Also, if you have other family members who have a measure of objectivity, lean on them. I relied on my aunt (my dad’s older sister) throughout the ordeal with my dad. Getting her opinion greatly helped me make sure I was seeing things clearly.

[tree_]

As someone who’s cut off contact with a parent after a cycle of emotional abuse (my dad might have something resembling Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or, as it’s colloquially called, “Tragabigzandism”), I can say it’s rather peaceful to be free of the intrusions.

The main thing I’d offer is for you to try to set up and enforce some boundaries before ending all contact. Explain the boundaries well—what they are and why you need them. If boundaries are continually disrespected, then cutting off all contact is a viable option.

Also, if you have other family members who have a measure of objectivity, lean on them. I relied on my aunt (my dad’s older sister) throughout the ordeal with my dad. Getting her opinion greatly helped me make sure I was seeing things clearly.

My dad was also emotionally abusive and I've also cut ties with him. I think it's over 2 years now since we talked.

Boundaries have been made clear my whole life. Either they refuse to acknowledge them or lack the ability to see.

There is no one else. They either left the area for good or are less competent than me.

[Alex]

As someone who’s cut off contact with a parent after a cycle of emotional abuse (my dad might have something resembling Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or, as it’s colloquially called, “Tragabigzandism”), I can say it’s rather peaceful to be free of the intrusions.

The main thing I’d offer is for you to try to set up and enforce some boundaries before ending all contact. Explain the boundaries well—what they are and why you need them. If boundaries are continually disrespected, then cutting off all contact is a viable option.

Also, if you have other family members who have a measure of objectivity, lean on them. I relied on my aunt (my dad’s older sister) throughout the ordeal with my dad. Getting her opinion greatly helped me make sure I was seeing things clearly.

My dad was also emotionally abusive and I've also cut ties with him. I think it's over 2 years now since we talked.

Boundaries have been made clear my whole life. Either they refuse to acknowledge them or lack the ability to see.

There is no one else. They either left the area for good or are less competent than me.

Sounds like an “end of your rope” situation. I can see why you’re so frustrated with it.

[Alex]

it’s times like this i wish girbilio was around.

[tree_]

As someone who’s cut off contact with a parent after a cycle of emotional abuse (my dad might have something resembling Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or, as it’s colloquially called, “Tragabigzandism”), I can say it’s rather peaceful to be free of the intrusions.

The main thing I’d offer is for you to try to set up and enforce some boundaries before ending all contact. Explain the boundaries well—what they are and why you need them. If boundaries are continually disrespected, then cutting off all contact is a viable option.

Also, if you have other family members who have a measure of objectivity, lean on them. I relied on my aunt (my dad’s older sister) throughout the ordeal with my dad. Getting her opinion greatly helped me make sure I was seeing things clearly.

My dad was also emotionally abusive and I've also cut ties with him. I think it's over 2 years now since we talked.

Boundaries have been made clear my whole life. Either they refuse to acknowledge them or lack the ability to see.

There is no one else. They either left the area for good or are less competent than me.

Sounds like an “end of your rope” situation. I can see why you’re so frustrated with it.

Yes, and I feel some regret that I don't have more patience and love or room in my heart for them. If I were a better person, I could resolve everything for everyone peacefully, but I need to be happy first, and I know myself well. If I'm not happy, it will plague my entire life and those most important to me. Unfortunately for my sister and her kid, they aren't in that circle anymore, and that is the source of all this strife. They are consistently disappointed by men in their lives and other family, and I'm just another disappointment to them. But if they were "better" people too, I'd have room for them, but they bring me down. I just can't do it, and ultimately nobody is to blame. Not everybody has to be in everyone's lives, you know?

[Anders]

Why do you think they are rude to your wife? That seems like a very serious issue. Difficult to move past.

for example, the way they say: "it must be hard to be married to her".. with all past context, we know what they are saying. We know them very well. They don't seem to appreciate how my life has actually vastly improved since I met her and started a family. They are jealous of her for taking me away from them and are reacting childishly.

I think most people have a partner, and anyone should expect you to get one, and for you to be «somewhat taken away from them». I don’t understand how they can be against her for that alone.

[tree_]

Why do you think they are rude to your wife? That seems like a very serious issue. Difficult to move past.

for example, the way they say: "it must be hard to be married to her".. with all past context, we know what they are saying. We know them very well. They don't seem to appreciate how my life has actually vastly improved since I met her and started a family. They are jealous of her for taking me away from them and are reacting childishly.

I think most people have a partner, and anyone should expect you to get one, and for you to be «somewhat taken away from them». I don’t understand how they can be against her for that alone.

logic doesn't apply with them; they are driven by pain, confusion and disappointment. Some things she did or didn't do may have offended them in some way, but for unfair/unjust reasons.

[Alex]

As someone who’s cut off contact with a parent after a cycle of emotional abuse (my dad might have something resembling Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or, as it’s colloquially called, “Tragabigzandism”), I can say it’s rather peaceful to be free of the intrusions.

The main thing I’d offer is for you to try to set up and enforce some boundaries before ending all contact. Explain the boundaries well—what they are and why you need them. If boundaries are continually disrespected, then cutting off all contact is a viable option.

Also, if you have other family members who have a measure of objectivity, lean on them. I relied on my aunt (my dad’s older sister) throughout the ordeal with my dad. Getting her opinion greatly helped me make sure I was seeing things clearly.

My dad was also emotionally abusive and I've also cut ties with him. I think it's over 2 years now since we talked.

Boundaries have been made clear my whole life. Either they refuse to acknowledge them or lack the ability to see.

There is no one else. They either left the area for good or are less competent than me.

Sounds like an “end of your rope” situation. I can see why you’re so frustrated with it.

Yes, and I feel some regret that I don't have more patience and love or room in my heart for them. If I were a better person, I could resolve everything for everyone peacefully, but I need to be happy first, and I know myself well. If I'm not happy, it will plague my entire life and those most important to me. Unfortunately for my sister and her kid, they aren't in that circle anymore, and that is the source of all this strife. They are consistently disappointed by men in their lives and other family, and I'm just another disappointment to them. But if they were "better" people too, I'd have room for them, but they bring me down. I just can't do it, and ultimately nobody is to blame. Not everybody has to be in everyone's lives, you know?

You shouldn’t have to absorb a parent’s transgressions to maintain a relationship. I realized a while ago I could have a peaceful relationship with my dad if I passively accepted everything he did or said, but that would be a one-sided relationship. The thing about parental dynamics, when the child is an adult, is that the child gets to set the threshold for acceptable behavior, not the parent. Doubly so when the parents have emotional/psychological disturbances.

[lennytheweedwhacker]

What’s the deal with your work and her coming to your office? Unprompted drop in?

[lennytheweedwhacker]

Why do you think they are rude to your wife? That seems like a very serious issue. Difficult to move past.

for example, the way they say: "it must be hard to be married to her".. with all past context, we know what they are saying. We know them very well. They don't seem to appreciate how my life has actually vastly improved since I met her and started a family. They are jealous of her for taking me away from them and are reacting childishly.

I think most people have a partner, and anyone should expect you to get one, and for you to be «somewhat taken away from them». I don’t understand how they can be against her for that alone.

logic doesn't apply with them; they are driven by pain, confusion and disappointment. Some things she did or didn't do may have offended them in some way, but for unfair/unjust reasons.

Maybe it’s because she was arrested for assault?

[Anders]

Very sad reading about you guys having such limited contact with your families.

In my life it has been the opposite. Whoever has come into my life has left at some point, but never my family.

[tree_]

What’s the deal with your work and her coming to your office? Unprompted drop in?

Yeah, that pissed me off alone. She works here too. When people come in, it's for business, and I say "what can I do for you?" and quickly do that thing for them. She comes in the other day with puppy dog eyes trying to pry into why I might be mad at her, because her friend recommended she did, because apparently they were talking about it, and insisting and insisting there must be something I'm mad about... All of this alone got under my skin immediately and I handled it the best I could, but I did probably come off like an asshole to her.

[tree_]

Why do you think they are rude to your wife? That seems like a very serious issue. Difficult to move past.

for example, the way they say: "it must be hard to be married to her".. with all past context, we know what they are saying. We know them very well. They don't seem to appreciate how my life has actually vastly improved since I met her and started a family. They are jealous of her for taking me away from them and are reacting childishly.

I think most people have a partner, and anyone should expect you to get one, and for you to be «somewhat taken away from them». I don’t understand how they can be against her for that alone.

logic doesn't apply with them; they are driven by pain, confusion and disappointment. Some things she did or didn't do may have offended them in some way, but for unfair/unjust reasons.

Maybe it’s because she was arrested for assault?

that had nothing to do with them.. she's a lovely person who made one bad mistake... we have all, and particularly they, have made similar mistakes

[Alex]

Very sad reading about you guys having such limited contact with your families.

In my life it has been the opposite. Whoever has come into my life has left at some point, but never my family.

Yes, that’s the tragedy of it. And why it is so hard, and takes so long, to reach the “point of no return.”