So bad they're good movies

[BurtReynolds]

Scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

- Women rule the world, though it's never really explained why or how, and they seem kinda incompetent at it and usually come across as idiots with crazy hair. They enslave or hunt the men, and the hero is a guy who just wants to free men from the tyrannous yoke of the matriarchy. You'd think they were going for some kind of sexy femdom angle, but it's very sexless, and the men and women just murder the fuck out of each other in "epic" battles.

- Lots and lots of voiceover to try to sew the plot together, with a ridiculous amount of lingo and made up bullshit to sound cool.

- Really not much to say about it. Takes itself way too seriously, which is usually a plus, but not here.

0 girlbosses out of 1.

[BurtReynolds]

Continuing with the inherent danger of matriarchy theme...



Starring the immortal Sandahl Bergman, who mostly looks like she's bored waiting for her coke guy to show up.

Two guys wonder into a region ruled by women, and men are sex slaves. The head girlboss (Bergman) chooses a different man-slave every night to sleep with, who she then kills. 2 Guys get captured and escape then infiltrate the woman cult for some unknown reason that is never explained.

Sound like a good premise? Well forget about it, because all that is forgotten after the first 15 minutes. She just becomes the girlfriend type after that and the fact that she's a murdering slaver is never mentioned again.

The guys kidnap the queen and then go on an adventure to save one of the guy's sister.

It's supposedly set in a post apocalyptic future, but most people just dress in fantasy clothes. There are telepaths, some irradiated zombies, Greek vampires, motorcycle bandits, and a bizarre magical alien guy who splits into two copies of himself when a part gets chopped off. The alien guy is played by an American comedian who was inexplicably popular in Italy. His comedy is awful.

practically no nudity, outside of maybe a side nipple.

Much better than the previous movie, but a little too self aware and not very good.

3 brief side nip shots out of 10

[BurtReynolds]

Sometimes you come across a movie that makes watching bad movies worthwhile.



Italians know who to make weird ass schlock.

- Except for the very beginning, No woman appears in the movie wearing more than a g-string. This was a golden age.

- Was not expecting the gore. Starts out with an old dude getting clubbed and a girl split in half a la Bone Fuckin' Tomahawk by some wolfmen. Then the main bad guy lady (with distractingly different sized breasts) eats the victim's brains and then her and the dogmen snort angel dust and the evil woman fucks a snake.

- we're just ten minutes in, folks!

- Then our heroes murder a random guy just to test out a magic bow. The terrified victim slowly bleeds out, writhing in agony and confusion, while the heroes smile and then steal his food. It was the funniest goddamn thing I've ever seen.

- Then they go bone some cave witches, who are soon bludgeoned to death by the dogmen, and one of the heroes gets captured. But the hero with stone nunchucks rescues him. He is far more upset about his bro being captured than the hoes getting brutally murdered.

- This is one of the main henchmen. Look at this little guy! Terribly miscast as a bad guy when he is clearly such a good boy!






- The two baddies turn back into doggies in the end and run away.

- The main hero guy dies offscreen and the other guy "Mace" kills everybody with his friend's magic bow. The end.



- the entire movie looks like it was filmed underwater, with maximum film grain allowed by law. It is often incomprehensible!






- But there are some amazing shots in this. I love this foggy shit.








- Phenomenal synth soundtrack that is way too loud.

This is why I do what I do, boys. Excellent film. This is why I'm passionate about Cinema. 10 uneven boobs out of 10

[BurtReynolds]

Adding a point because the box art is 100% accurate, a rarity in this genre. It does have a guy made out of squares, a naked snake woman with a golden head, and a barbarian with nunchucks. 11 out of 10.

[wease]

That actually looks like a fun movie to watch.

[tommy]

Burt, are you on letterboxd?

[Ms Harmless]

how do people end up watching bad movies? is it by choice?

[BurtReynolds]

That actually looks like a fun movie to watch.

To be honest nothing in the second half compares to the first and it drags with all the fights, but it has more variety than most movies like this.

Burt, are you on letterboxd?

not yet but I've been meaning to.

how do people end up watching bad movies? is it by choice?

Dishonest 80s VHS box art mostly. And Amazon Prime has tons of these movies available, though it keeps recommending modern garbage like Rings of Power and Wheel of Time at me.

[tommy]

Burt, are you on letterboxd?

not yet but I've been meaning to.

Let me know if you do, I'd love to follow you. You watch a lot of interesting stuff.

[LoathedVermin72]

I keep forgetting to watch Conquest. I've had the Blu-ray for years. Directed by the great Lucio Fulci.

[Strat]

how do people end up watching bad movies? is it by choice?

https://www.earwolf.com/show/how-did-this-get-made/

[BurtReynolds]

Just found out about Craig R. Baxley: director, author, stunt coordinator, stunt performer and occasional actor.



Check out this INCREDIBLE resumé:

I Come in Peace (Dark Angel)
Stone Cold
Action Jackson
(Also second unit director of Predator)

[Farmer John]

Conquest looks pretty sweet

[LoathedVermin72]

Dark Angel rules. Stone Cold isn't as good as it should be - I'd recommend watching Savage Dawn or Hell Riders instead.

[wease]

That dude is in the Doobie Brothers

[oasisfan35]

Dark Angel rules. Stone Cold isn't as good as it should be - I'd recommend watching Savage Dawn or Hell Riders instead.

[bart]

Fulci is a god and the perfect combination of schlock and actual vision and skill.

[BurtReynolds]

What the fuck is Kathy Ireland doing in this movie? Is that her real voice? Can't remember. The poster I had hanging on my wall wouldn't talk.

[BurtReynolds]

You can tell she a nerd because she wears glasses.

[bada]

I got Conquest. Not sure when I'll watch it or if but I had to have it.