Promises broken:
how one member of one of the most critically acclaimed bands of all time broke my heart…and years later, what I *really* learned from it.
I remember the day we met. I was in Portland, with my band, and met up with Rebecca Gates, an acclaimed local musician, and a dear friend. She suggested a diversion for the evening, a night of karaoke, and invited Janet Weiss, by reputation a ninja at the karaoke arts. I already knew her work, with a Bee Gees cover band, with Quasi, and of course with her most known band…I was, demographically, predisposed to admiring her.
Our night out together was fun, goofy, undefined. Absolutely enjoyable.
Later, Janet & I worked on an album together–our mutual friend Michael Cerveris, an actor of immense talent, made a record where Janet and & I were the rhythm section. I felt she & I had a great musical affinity; the potential suggested by our previous encounters were confirmed here — she and I could rock; we shared a great deal of perspective. Yeah, I probably harbored hopes about a relationship that were beyond the reasonable expectations of our encounter, but…I kept that to myself, as best as I could do. In my mind, first and foremost, we were comrades, working to make a better world, thru music, thru our mutual commitments, thru our social advertisements.
So, when I started to arrange the sessions for my solo album “Soft Commands” in 2003, I reached out to Janet. There was no question — from any point of view–musical, philosophical, etc…she was the perfect musician to anchor this album. I set up sessions in Seattle with top shelf musicians–Larry Knechtel (the piano player on “Bridge Over Troubled Water”, etc); John Roderick ( the Long Winters). Studios were booked…I was spending about $3000/day from my own pocket on these sessions.
And Janet didn’t show up. Despite the fact we’d spoken on the phone, e-mailed, etc…when the day came, Janet decided that it wasn’t…important? …enough to come to Seattle from Portland. I was devastated. I managed to find a drummer for the session..but that’s not the point. Whatever our rapport was to that point…whatever caché I have as a human in her book…she promised she would be there…and named a price! she would have made (if I remember correctly) $500 for the day. And only because that was what she asked for. If she had asked for $1000 for the day…I would have paid it.
In the end…I felt like some kind of collateral damage of the culture wars. Evidently, you honor the commitments that make you look good. Unfortunately for my career, I can’t think that way…when I tell someone I’ll be there for a recording date, I show up. I don’t have any other agenda. Of course, she possibly thought it *wasn’t* a big deal, or, more likely, realized it was kind of a bum move but swept that concept under the emotional rug, and got on with her life. She never did offer much of an apology and in fact, we never crossed paths again.
For me…individual acts count…credibility matters…and in my world…musicians are judged on their greatness in art, but also their greatness in humanity– the kind of wake they form as they pass thru the bulk of us.
In this world of course, you have to learn not to take things personally; as a musician, professional critics and the general public of the internets will trash talk your art, your appearance, etc. ad infinitum. Most people develop a thicker skin, and in general, I would be one of those…but sometimes some small thing, like the tiny seed that your body can’t process, can fester and cause disruption to the system long after the fact.
I realized, of course, that far beyond this situation–which, of course, I have to give a large benefit of the doubt to Ms. Weis, she had her reasons, perhaps– the result was more about me, and feelings that came up triggered by this event, feelings that I have been struggling with, since being bullied at school for many years–physically, and emotionally. One must endeavor to undertake no actions that result in making one human being feel inferior to another. No doubt Janet’s actions crushed me; without further explanation from her, it became a kind of statement on my own art’s inferiority to what she believed in…(trust me, if she wanted to be there, she’d have been there, offered to reschedule, etc.) That being said, I still admire her, and the projects she’s been involved in. And I still feel we are equals, comrades…
We focus on certain aspects of the battle…when we see a band like Sleater-Kinney we get to use their triumphs as a clear statement contra the fascist, sexist…typicalist mediocr-acy…with which they have achieved so much and done so much good. But the fact is…the greatest evil in our society is represented by the forces of every day oppression: those who would use the existing tensions of racism, sexism, class-ism, etc…to their own political, social and cultural ends. We might not realize it, but we live in a world where advertising, political manipulation, cultural separatism cuts us into separate camps. And we can fall in to the habit of using those differences, artificial constructs as they are, to imagine there are people above and below us on the scale of life. One has to be vigilant, and these days, you can always find affirmation, esp. if you are a well known artist (I say this about myself, Ms. Weiss, or anyone who has a built in support group of strangers and colleagues…you have to ‘check your head’ near constantly.)
As a survivor of bullying, I want to counter this…I want everyone…regardless of stature, to feel part of the conversation. Of course I would have wanted Janet to tell me: “hey. You mattered. I fucked up. I’m sorry” at some point. Of course, now…12 years later, it’s water under the bridge. It’s not *such* a big deal, all turned out OK for the album, etc. You must be asking by now, ‘but Ken, why bring this up now? It’s ancient history.’ It’s precisely the case, that these words would tumble out of me spontaneously this weekend, and why it was still able to make me feel emotional, that shows I have unresolved issues; there was a little dent in my soul that wasn’t smoothed out. Writing it down, and…perhaps foolishly, posting it on my blog…that was a therapeutic release. I had a chance to examine the story with the perspective of time. To look back up and down these paragraphs and say, all is forgiven.
So, to be clear, this is not a story about how Ms. Weiss is a bad person, or deserves to be shamed, or is anything less than she appears to be. In fact, the case that her actions those years ago shocked me into feeling these feelings, and that I pick up the echo of them over a decade later…is a gift. I know from the perspective of the affected that one’s actions have impact on people, often much greater than you know. Negatively and positively. We focus on the positive as artists because we see the effect our work has on people, and we get so much positive feedback on that. I’m always meeting someone new who tells me they enjoyed my work for years. Harder to hear about is to find out about a person you slighted, or ignored, rebuffed, or blew off. It’s definitely happened. And the worst is, as humans we’re so afraid to rock the boat that we almost always take these kind of personal jabs on the chin, and put on an unaffected face. I think that’s unhealthy too. When someone does something you don’t like: tell them. I imagine the reason this event came up years later is that I played it cool when she canceled that day. It wasn’t cool at all, it made me very upset at the time, and that’s…OK. But, like I used to try and take beatings and kickings after school with a strong face, no tears…I used the pattern I’d learned: when someone hurts you, don’t give them power by saying so.
It’s a load of crap. Look at the distortion it caused in me, this kind of thinking. I could have barked at Janet at the time, hung up on her, let her know I was pissed…but no. I’m sure I didn’t. She would have got the message, decided if it was worth an apology or not, and in time, it would all be forgotten.
In the meantime, this former bullied kid wants to say: for all of you who are feeling victimized–you are uncool, you are unnoticed, you are ridiculed, you are hated…I want to tell you: YES. You are correct. You are victimized…and thus, you are probably doing or being something/someone interesting. Don’t give in to pressure from society about what you are, who you are, how you are. Continue, and live as an example of what can be…not what already is.
Good night
KS
