Talk about your day thread

[knee tunes]

Happy birthday to dad jr

his name is son

[knee tunes]

put the gloves on and played catch with my wife today..after 22 years she still can't catch a curve ball but she has a pretty good arm

catch-22

[Jorge]

Happy birthday to dad jr

his name is son

Hahaha

[spike]

put the gloves on and played catch with my wife today..after 22 years she still can't catch a curve ball but she has a pretty good arm

What’d you clock her at?

[doug rr]

put the gloves on and played catch with my wife today..after 22 years she still can't catch a curve ball but she has a pretty good arm

What’d you clock her at?

37..tailed away from you a bit

[lennytheweedwhacker]

My trendy glasses need a repair and my other glasses are slipping down my nose a bit. What a terrible, no good day.

[Malloy]

i am doing so wildly bad

[tragabigzanda]

There is a wolf in me . . . fangs pointed for tearing gashes . . . a red tongue for raw meat . . . and the hot lapping of blood—I keep this wolf because the wilderness gave it to me and the wilderness will not let it go.

There is a fox in me . . . a silver-gray fox . . . I sniff and guess . . . I pick things out of the wind and air . . . I nose in the dark night and take sleepers and eat them and hide the feathers . . . I circle and loop and double-cross.

There is a hog in me . . . a snout and a belly . . . a machinery for eating and grunting . . . a machinery for sleeping satisfied in the sun—I got this too from the wilderness and the wilderness will not let it go.

There is a fish in me . . . I know I came from salt-blue water-gates . . . I scurried with shoals of herring . . . I blew waterspouts with porpoises . . . before land was . . . before the water went down . . . before Noah . . . before the first chapter of Genesis.

There is a baboon in me . . . clambering-clawed . . . dog-faced . . . yawping a galoot's hunger . . . hairy under the armpits . . . here are the hawk-eyed hankering men . . . here are the blonde and blue-eyed women . . . here they hide curled asleep waiting . . . ready to snarl and kill . . . ready to sing and give milk . . . waiting—I keep the baboon because the wilderness says so.

There is an eagle in me and a mockingbird . . . and the eagle flies among the Rocky Mountains of my dreams and fights among the Sierra crags of what I want . . . and the mockingbird warbles in the early forenoon before the dew is gone, warbles in the underbrush of my Chattanoogas of hope, gushes over the blue Ozark foothills of my wishes—And I got the eagle and the mockingbird from the wilderness.

O, I got a zoo, I got a menagerie, inside my ribs, under my bony head, under my red-valve heart—and I got something else: it is a man-child heart, a woman-child heart: it is a father and mother and lover: it came from God-Knows-Where: it is going to God-Knows-Where—For I am the keeper of the zoo: I say yes and no: I sing and kill and work: I am a pal of the world: I came from the wilderness.

[lennytheweedwhacker]

i am doing so wildly bad

Talk to us.

[Malloy]

still sober. 12 weeks tomorrow.

my sobriety is mostly the result of a brain injury from bad or too much cocaine. i got sober during the beginning of the pandemic. this was after a pretty heavy 5-year period of drug use (prior to that id been sober about six years). I started using again in june 2020 like I'd never stopped. after a night of heavy drug use, i lost some of the vestibular function in both of my vestibular nerves. it's like having chronic vertigo. developed tinnitus, loss of balance, especially pronounced in the dark. vestibular therapy for a year. was hell. but i got better. was sober the whole time.

started using again in june or july 2021. in november after a pretty heavy night of drug use, something happened to my brain. it caused my eyes to stop focusing correctly and my field of vision has been rocking ever since. loss of balance. i can't stare at one spot without my eyes bouncing/refocusing. if i stare for too long, the object seems to come unglued and floats in my field of vision.

more therapy (vision therapy, this time), which corrected the focusing issue but hasn't resolved the rocking, my inability to focus for more than two seconds at a time, or the dizziness/nausea.

if i push too hard at work, or run too much, or too often, it triggers the most profound nausea and dizziness. i can barely read. my writing is littered with errors. i watch significantly fewer movies than i used to. and when i do watch something, i have to break it up. my brain feels like someone removed part of it with an ice cream scoop. like, cognitively, there's this gap.

and tonight i feel the dizziness/nausea on a subatomic level. like I'm just embodied nausea. i just feel incredibly alone and sick and hopeless

[Malloy]

thans for letting me vent, gang

[lennytheweedwhacker]

I'm sorry bro. I know the things you mentioned in the next to last paragraph are super frustrating.

Are you on any meds?

[96583UP]

fuck man, that sounds terrible

i hope it gets better

stay strong

[lennytheweedwhacker]

fuck man, that sounds terrible

i hope it gets better

stay strong

Thanks, bud. I'm planning on getting the glasses fixed on Monday.

[Malloy]

no meds for this. and some meds can suppress vestibular function, which is no good.

tonight is particularly bad because i can feel it getting worse and there's nothing i can do. last week it woke me up in the middle of th night and it was so strong I thought i was having a stroke. profoundly disorienting dizziness. and im scared its going to happen again tonight.

nothing to be done though. so im' here. and really started posting again because rm has been a comfort to me for 20 years.

[Malloy]

thanks, mates

[Malloy]

fuck man, that sounds terrible

i hope it gets better

stay strong

Thanks, bud. I'm planning on getting the glasses fixed on Monday.

regale me with detail, leonard. what brand?

[lennytheweedwhacker]

no meds for this. and some meds can suppress vestibular function, which is no good.

tonight is particularly bad because i can feel it getting worse and there's nothing i can do. last week it woke me up in the middle of th night and it was so strong I thought i was having a stroke. profoundly disorienting dizziness. and im scared its going to happen again tonight.

nothing to be done though. so im' here. and really started posting again because rm has been a comfort to me for 20 years.

I feel you. No joke i'd probably have suicided by now if not for RM.

Just curious, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but what kept causing you to relapse?

[lennytheweedwhacker]

fuck man, that sounds terrible

i hope it gets better

stay strong

Thanks, bud. I'm planning on getting the glasses fixed on Monday.

regale me with detail, leonard. what brand?

The left nose piece broke. I could probably superglue it.

[Malloy]

no meds for this. and some meds can suppress vestibular function, which is no good.

tonight is particularly bad because i can feel it getting worse and there's nothing i can do. last week it woke me up in the middle of th night and it was so strong I thought i was having a stroke. profoundly disorienting dizziness. and im scared its going to happen again tonight.

nothing to be done though. so im' here. and really started posting again because rm has been a comfort to me for 20 years.

I feel you. No joke i'd probably have suicided by now if not for RM.

Just curious, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but what kept causing you to relapse?

addiction, baby. denial that things could get worse, that I wouldn't hurt myself again. a desire to hurt myself again. inability to live a nice boring easy middle class life. stunted ideas about myself, self-hate, the easy camaraderie of bar life. sex with strangers. lighting time on fire to make its passing more tolerable. childhood trauma. the works.