Red Mosquito

washing machine wrote:Hey tree, how's it going?

Hey buddy. Doing great, still sober. Reaching levels of clarity like never before. I still struggle with anxiety and depression but now it's more of a dull lingering background feeling instead of daunting spikes. I'm subtly improving everyday and I am thankful I was able to commit to this decision.

hell yeah, tree

Great job.

Do you find that the tempo of your day has shifted at all?

For example, I'm starting to notice how much of my day was kind of subconsciously anticipating that afternoon beer. Like once the beer opened, the rest of my day was sort of a small party or celebration.

Now the afternoon is more boring but not exactly lame. Just kind of... The end of the day.

washing machine wrote:Great job.

Do you find that the tempo of your day has shifted at all?

For example, I'm starting to notice how much of my day was kind of subconsciously anticipating that afternoon beer. Like once the beer opened, the rest of my day was sort of a small party or celebration.

Now the afternoon is more boring but not exactly lame. Just kind of... The end of the day.

Yes. There used to be a lot of intensity that I mistook for depth and meaning. Now there is so much more silence and peace and sanity, which is better for every one because they have more room to take up the space for what they need, and my needs are much more simple and predictable.

Also, there are moments now in which emotions just happen, and I let them happen. In the past they felt much more manufactured, or wanted or unwanted. I feel like a real person for the first time in a long time.

I haven't had a drop since Sunday, which is saying a lot for me. I'm a few beers every day guy trying to get down to Friday and Saturday. I already feel and sleep better, but really I just want my abs to show.

trag is lurking right now

Come back, Trag. These men need guidance.

Hitting that stride with my booze abstinence now and getting some creativity and general good moods going. I want to stretch this to 90 days, if not for any other reason than to glimpse that 90-day reset that everyone talks about.

After that though? Who knows. I genuinely miss sharing a good bottle of wine with my wife. It's something we've always connected with together. I'd absolutely be thrilled if this reset gives me back the willpower to truly practice moderation. That's always been my problem.

great work

Thanks tree.

Just curious though, why do you feel you need to go back, knowing what the benefits of sobriety are? I'm struggling myself, and fantasize about it, but feel like I'd be betraying myself to go back.

I'm choosing not to think in absolutes, here.

My issue is moderation. If I can moderate, there's no reason at least for me to be completely sober. What I want more than anything in my relationship with alcohol is simply to be able to enjoy a glass of something nice in good company, and that be it.

If, as I've noted in various posts above, I find that I simply can't balance being a good dad/husband/employee because I will always lapse into a pattern of daily hangovers, well then that's a different story.

Saying "I will never drink again" to myself right now would be a setup for disappointment. One day at a time, I'm just listening to the data.

washing machine wrote:I'm choosing not to think in absolutes, here.

My issue is moderation. If I can moderate, there's no reason at least for me to be completely sober. What I want more than anything in my relationship with alcohol is simply to be able to enjoy a glass of something nice in good company, and that be it.

If, as I've noted in various posts above, I find that I simply can't balance being a good dad/husband/employee because I will always lapse into a pattern of daily hangovers, well then that's a different story.

Saying "I will never drink again" to myself right now would be a setup for disappointment. One day at a time, I'm just listening to the data.

I get that. It's extremely daunting at times to think "never again", but every time it comes up now, I decide it's not the right choice for me. I'm the same with the inability to moderate. Even if I can moderate for a little while, I know I'm going to want to experience the "real thing" soon enough, and then it's only a matter of time before it becomes just like before, 2-3 flu-like hangovers a week, slowly destroying my health and being unavailable and miserable too often. And I'm doing too well, feeling too healthy to just say "fuck it" again and throw it away. My family, I deserve better.

But I'm right there with you, I genuinely miss it as well. But it's so easy to forget the drastic downsides in those moments.

Could be cool to dig a bit into the Buddhist concept of non-attachment for things like this.

It's not the alcohol I miss, it's the ability to turn off my brain very quickly, but when it comes back online, it's always worse than before. I've been through the cycle enough times to not fall for it anymore. That wisdom feels permanent, at least for now.

Heard that.

The non-attachment suggestion was in response to this.

"I know I'm going to want to experience the "real thing" soon enough".

Not wanting whatever that is anymore would be a powerful beast to tame, but I also understand that zen does not override dopamine.

What do you guys think is the main reason for wanting to escape?

Dev wrote:What do you guys think is the main reason for wanting to escape?

I think of seeking a buzz as less of an "escape" and instead something more like needing everything amplified, which now that I write it down is a different way of saying "escape". I can't put my finger on it exactly, but it's the same reason why I often want music or a podcast on. My mind wants a distraction all the time, even mid-experience. "You know what would make this hike better? A gummy." "Washing dishes? Let me get a good buzz first and jam some tunes." The task at hand became secondary to trying to experience it in some augmented frame of mind.

Removing the buzz from my routine is starting to (very slowly) reset how I experience the quiet, boring moments of a day. It is my hopes that in confronting these moments head-on, I can understand myself and what I experience on a more real level.

That makes sense. Coping with the boredom and mundane aspects of everyday life.

I’ve also heard of people that get chores done more efficiently after a gummie. I think that’s an ADD thing, which I understand. Sometimes I can get some light cleaning done around the house better after a couple beers. It’s weird, like I need to block out some of the noise to focus on a non challenging, rote task.

washing machine wrote:

Dev wrote:What do you guys think is the main reason for wanting to escape?

I think of seeking a buzz as less of an "escape" and instead something more like needing everything amplified, which now that I write it down is a different way of saying "escape". I can't put my finger on it exactly, but it's the same reason why I often want music or a podcast on. My mind wants a distraction all the time, even mid-experience. "You know what would make this hike better? A gummy." "Washing dishes? Let me get a good buzz first and jam some tunes." The task at hand became secondary to trying to experience it in some augmented frame of mind.

Removing the buzz from my routine is starting to (very slowly) reset how I experience the quiet, boring moments of a day. It is my hopes that in confronting these moments head-on, I can understand myself and what I experience on a more real level.

As someone who is growing into having a weekend buzz only these days, and being a domesticated creature, I notice that a lot of males have trouble finding the "magic in the mundane". if Meditation is not your thing, "contemplation" is an easier, gentler alternative and is great for using when doing mundane stuff. It's a bit like day dreaming while pottering around - much more satisfying than "chores".