ITT Ello Sailor tells us about himself

[BurtReynolds]

Hmm... Well historically, being from Argentina isn't exactly ironclad proof against claims of antisemitism...

[E.H. Ruddock]

Ruddo does the worst bans.

What? I didn’t ban him. I’m trying to coordinate two house closings and a move. And figure out who the new drummer is

[VinylGuy]

Hmm... Well historically, being from Argentina isn't exactly ironclad proof against claims of antisemitism...

what about having a leader who shits his diapers?

[VinylGuy]

Anyway, this ban sucks.

Im out.

[BurtReynolds]

Hmm... Well historically, being from Argentina isn't exactly ironclad proof against claims of antisemitism...

what about having a leader who shits his diapers?

In this day and age, you'll have to be more specific.

[lennytheweedwhacker]

Please come back

[B]

Please come back

Burt or Ello?

[lennytheweedwhacker]

Please come back

Burt or Ello?

godeatgod
J
Harry Lime
Gimme Some Skin
uglyduckling
Peter Van Wieren
Alessiana
windedsailor
Mitchell
Schlitz
Robert Goulet
indadvertant_imitation
vacatetheword
Rafa
Human Bass
malice
turned2black
Pizza the Hut
nah

[Jorge]

Nah still posts here, under the username Matters

[lennytheweedwhacker]

Uh yeah sure

[96583UP]

don’t leave us, VG

[BurtReynolds]

The nerve of that vinylguy saying he has endured the same amount of persecution and harassment that i have. No one has ever said an unkind word to him! SMDH

[spike]

Ruddo does the worst bans.

What? I didn’t ban him. I’m trying to coordinate two house closings and a move. And figure out who the new drummer is

And then always the ban denial… this old song and dance!

[bart]

Apparently soma and VG were the only thing keeping A&E from being overrun by comic book movie threads

[Jorge]

There was some Disney event in the last couple days and a bunch of trailers were released

[Ello Sailor]

Looks like Epiclog called in a favor from B. No reason was provided for the ban, by the way. Just a sassy bitch scorned, I guess.

I also note that Burt continued to spiral for a number of days after my departure. Dude is definitely obsessed. Feel bad for him, honestly. He clearly doesn't get outside much.

Pair of cringelord pussies.

Anyway, seeya round, rimmers.

[96583UP]

stay with me

let's just breathe

[96583UP]

Look, Ello.

I have spent an irresponsible amount of time thinking about how to phrase this, which is already annoying because I suspect that if I were to tell you I had spent an irresponsible amount of time thinking about anything, your immediate response would be something along the lines of "sounds like a you problem."

And you'd be right.

So let's establish something at the outset: this is not going to be one of those heartfelt internet messages where everyone suddenly discovers that the people they've been shitposting with for nine years are actually their family, and then somebody posts a picture of a sunset with the words FRIENDS ARE THE FAMILY WE CHOOSE.

Fuck that.

If somebody posts that image, you should stay away.

I am not asking you to come back because "the board misses you" in the sentimental, greeting-card sense. I'm asking you to come back because this place is measurably less funny when you're not around, and because the basic operating principle of an internet message board is that nobody should be allowed to leave over something as fundamentally stupid as an argument with moderators.

Especially when the person leaving is somebody who has spent years voluntarily returning to this exact same digital lunatic asylum.

That is the part I keep coming back to.

You didn't wander into Red Mosquito yesterday.

You've been here since 2017.

Seven fucking years.

Seven years is an absurd amount of time to spend anywhere voluntarily, let alone a Pearl Jam message board where grown adults can spend 47 consecutive pages discussing whether a particular bootleg from 2003 has a slightly better version of "Present Tense."

You have accumulated seventeen thousand-ish posts, depending on which historical snapshot of the board we're looking at, which means that you have devoted an amount of your life to this place that would be difficult to explain to a tribunal.

At this point, leaving isn't "I'm taking a break from a website."

It's like moving out of your own neighborhood because your neighbor's dog barked at you.

Sure, technically you can do it.

But then six months later you're going to be standing in the next town thinking, "Goddammit, I miss that stupid dog."

And the dog will still be here.

And someone will have renamed it "The Official Dog Thread."

And it'll have 8,000 pages.

And you'll be reading it anonymously at 2:00 in the morning while eating something that is probably not nutritionally defensible.

So let's save everybody the trouble.

Come back.

Not because you were wrong.

Not because the ban was right.

Not because the moderators deserve forgiveness.

Not because you need to "move past it."

Not because you're secretly lonely without us.

And certainly not because I am going to make some pathetic plea about how "the board isn't the same without you."

Come back because you are perfectly capable of simultaneously believing that the ban was bullshit, the moderation was bullshit, the entire internet is bullshit, and also posting about whether some band you've never heard of has a good drummer.

These things are not mutually exclusive.

In fact, I'd argue that this is precisely what message boards are for.

You can be pissed off.

You can disagree.

You can think someone handled something badly.

You can decide that you don't like how a place is being run.

And then, at some completely unreasonable hour three weeks later, you can wander back into the "What Are You Listening To?" thread and say:

"this absolutely rips"

and post a YouTube link.

Nobody needs a reconciliation ceremony.

Nobody needs to light candles.

Nobody needs to stand in a circle and say what Ello Sailor has meant to them.

You just need to post something stupid.

That's it.

That's the whole fucking trick.

Because here's the thing about this board that I suspect you know better than most people:

The actual value of the place isn't the rules.

It isn't the moderators.

It isn't the server.

It isn't even Pearl Jam.

The value is the accumulation of thousands of tiny conversations that don't matter.

That's what makes it matter.

The board has 1.6 million posts or whatever ridiculous number it has reached now. There are thousands of threads. There are people arguing about politics, baseball, movies, food, bands, television, technology, sports, travel, whether some celebrity is annoying, whether some album is underrated, whether some restaurant is worth going to, whether somebody's cat is doing something weird, whether somebody's sandwich is lunch or dinner, and whether some obscure band from 1989 should be considered "alternative" or "indie."

Most of it is objectively meaningless.

And that's why it's good.

Real life is already full of things you're supposed to care about.

Bills.

Jobs.

Family obligations.

Politics.

Appointments.

Emails.

Traffic.

Laundry.

Dentists.

Taxes.

The crushing knowledge that you have apparently been using your lower back incorrectly for 15 years.

The board doesn't need to be important.

It just needs to be there.

You can open it at 1:17 AM and discover that someone has started a thread called "Grey Food."

You can stare at the screen and think, "What the fuck am I looking at?"

Then you can spend ten minutes discussing the merits of gray food with complete strangers.

And somehow that's a good use of your evening.

You've understood that better than most.

Your posting history has the peculiar quality of somebody who can move from genuine music enthusiasm to completely pointless filth in approximately eight seconds.

One minute you're talking about music that genuinely interests you.

The next minute you're making some deeply unnecessary joke.

Then you're back to discussing a band.

Then you're talking about food.

Then sports.

Then a movie.

Then somebody says something dumb and you throw a two-line response at them that somehow makes the entire thread funnier.

That's the ecosystem.

And you are part of it.

Not the center of it.

That's important.

Nobody is saying you're the chosen one.

You're not Neo.

You're not Aragorn.

You're not Eddie Vedder.

You're a guy with a message-board account and an alarming number of posts.

But you're one of the people who gives the place its texture.

There are people who post information.

There are people who post opinions.

There are people who start threads.

There are people who keep old threads alive.

There are people who post the perfect image at exactly the right moment.

There are people who make jokes.

There are people who somehow manage to derail a discussion about Pearl Jam into a discussion about Norwegian potato dumplings.

And there are people whose usernames eventually become part of the furniture.

You're one of those people.

If you disappeared permanently, the board wouldn't collapse.

Obviously.

That would be absurd.

The moderators wouldn't gather in a war room.

The site wouldn't display a black ribbon.

Nobody would announce, "Due to the departure of Ello Sailor, Red Mosquito will cease operations at midnight."

The Yankees thread would continue.

Somebody would still complain about Eddie.

Somebody would still post about a new album.

Somebody would still ask what everyone is having for dinner.

Somebody would still make an unnecessarily aggressive argument about a movie.

The machine would continue.

That's precisely why your absence would be noticeable.

Because the board doesn't need heroes.

It needs regulars.

It needs the people who have been here long enough that their particular rhythms become part of the background noise.

And you've been one of those people.

That's worth something.

Not in a grand philosophical sense.

In the extremely stupid sense that makes message boards worthwhile.

You know how there are restaurants where you eventually recognize the people who work there?

Nobody formally introduces you.

You just keep showing up.

Eventually the guy behind the counter knows what you're ordering.

Then one day you walk in and he's not there.

Nothing is objectively wrong.

The restaurant still exists.

The food is still there.

But you notice.

That's what a long-running message board is.

It's a bar with no physical bar.

It's a pub where everyone is sitting at different tables in different time zones.

Somebody is arguing in the corner.

Someone else is watching a game.

Someone is recommending an album.

Someone is telling a story about a weird thing that happened at work.

Someone has wandered in drunk.

Someone is pretending not to be drunk.

Someone has been talking about the same band for nine hours.

Someone is posting a photograph of a sandwich.

And there you are.

Or were.

And now you're gone because you got pissed off.

Which, honestly, is extremely on brand.

But here's where I think you may have made the wrong calculation.

You're giving the ban too much power.

That's what bothers me about this whole thing.

If the ban was bullshit—and I have no idea exactly what happened, and I'm not pretending I do—then walking away forever doesn't punish the people who pissed you off.

It punishes you.

And, to a lesser degree, the people who actually enjoyed talking to you.

That's a terrible trade.

Imagine getting into an argument at your favorite bar, getting told to leave for a week, and responding:

"Fine. I will never drink anywhere again."

What?

Why are you punishing yourself because some guy at the door was being a dick?

Go somewhere else for a week.

Cool off.

Do something better.

Then come back.

The internet has somehow convinced us that every disagreement has to become a referendum on our entire relationship with a place.

It doesn't.

Sometimes you just get banned.

Sometimes a moderator makes a dumb call.

Sometimes you make a dumb post.

Sometimes someone interprets something differently than you intended.

Sometimes everyone involved is an asshole.

Sometimes nobody is an asshole and the whole thing is just a misunderstanding.

Then the clock moves forward.

That's it.

There's something almost admirable about refusing to give a shit.

You've been very good at that over the years.

You can be having an argument with somebody and suddenly the entire thing gets punctured by a stupid joke.

That's healthy.

The world is already full of people who take themselves too seriously.

Please don't become one of them.

Do you really want your final contribution to the board to be:

"I was temporarily banned, therefore I am leaving forever"?

That's a terrible ending.

It's narratively weak.

Even the most mediocre television writers would reject it.

"Character exits after a moderation dispute."

What happens next?

Nothing.

That's the problem.

There is no third act.

No satisfying conclusion.

No revenge.

No triumphant return.

No great final speech.

Just absence.

And honestly, that sucks.

You have better material than that.

If you're going to leave, at least leave after an epic thread in which you successfully convince everyone that Creed is the greatest progressive metal band of the 21st century.

Don't go out over moderation.

That's beneath you.

You are a person who has written jokes about fake bands called Patricia and the Anal Fissures.

You have engaged in extended discussions about extremely questionable food.

You've participated in conversations where the collective intellectual level has fallen so low that the only reasonable response was an image.

You have watched people argue about Pearl Jam albums as though the Supreme Court was going to issue a ruling.

You have discussed King Gizzard.

You've talked about Steve Albini.

You've talked about movies.

You've talked about birds.

You've talked about sports.

You've talked about the particular horror of terrible music.

You've made jokes about House of the Dragon that I suspect were substantially better than House of the Dragon.

And you once had a serious enough discussion about cats killing birds that you managed to make the whole "I love cats but cats are ecological murder machines" dilemma sound like an actual moral crisis.

That is a résumé.

You can't let a temporary ban be the final line.

It's like having an otherwise excellent album end with somebody dropping a saucepan.

No.

We need another track.

Preferably a weird one.

Preferably one that starts with a guitar riff nobody expected.

Maybe the next post should just be:

"Anyway, this band fucking rules."

Then a link.

No explanation.

No apology.

No discussion of the ban.

No announcement.

Just fucking post.

That would actually be the funniest possible comeback.

Because I suspect the thing that would irritate you most about coming back is having to make some kind of grand gesture.

You don't.

You don't owe the board a speech.

You don't owe the moderators forgiveness.

You don't owe anybody an explanation.

You don't even owe anyone an acknowledgment that you are back.

You can just materialize.

Like some weird internet cryptid.

One day:

**Ello Sailor**

*Posts something about MMA.*

That's it.

Everyone will know.

And somebody will respond.

Then someone else will respond.

And five minutes later we're back to normal.

That's the beauty of it.

Message boards are incredibly forgiving because they're incredibly stupid.

They have no memory in the way people think they have memory.

The board remembers everything.

The board also remembers nothing.

There are 1.6 million posts.

Nobody is keeping score.

Even if someone remembers the ban, eventually it'll become one of those ancient board stories that gets referenced once every three years.

"Remember when Ello got banned?"

"Yeah."

"What happened?"

"I don't remember."

"Fair enough."

Then somebody posts a picture of a raccoon.

Thread over.

That's how history works here.

And honestly, I think that's better than making this into some principled permanent departure.

You don't have to decide that the board is good.

You don't have to decide the moderation is good.

You don't have to decide that you were wrong.

You don't have to decide that anybody else was right.

You can simply decide that you still enjoy some of the people and conversations here.

That's enough.

There is no ideological purity test for returning to a message board.

You can think the place is occasionally run like a daycare staffed by exhausted hall monitors and still enjoy talking about music.

You can think half the posters are idiots and still laugh when one of them posts something genuinely funny.

You can think the rules are arbitrary and still enjoy a 400-post thread about some band.

You can be annoyed with the place and still like the people.

That's not hypocrisy.

That's adulthood.

Actually, that's friendship too.

People you like annoy you.

Places you like disappoint you.

Communities you value occasionally behave in ways you dislike.

The choice isn't always "everything is perfect" or "burn it to the ground."

Sometimes it's:

"That was fucking stupid."

Then you move on.

And if you don't want to move on immediately, that's fine too.

Stay away for a while.

Go listen to music.

Watch something.

Go outside.

Look at a bird.

Apparently birds are amazing.

This is a fact you have independently established.

You have also established that cats are adorable ecological terrorists.

These are important findings.

Use the time productively.

Come back when you feel like it.

But don't turn a cooling-off period into a permanent exile because you think returning would somehow mean losing.

It doesn't.

There is no scoreboard.

Nobody wins the internet.

If you return, you haven't surrendered.

You haven't apologized.

You haven't admitted defeat.

You haven't validated whoever pissed you off.

You have simply logged into a website and typed something.

That's it.

You could literally return while still being angry.

In fact, I'd prefer that.

Angry Ello is still Ello.

You could return and immediately post:

"Fuck this place."

Then someone will say:

"Welcome back."

Then you'll probably call them an idiot.

Then someone will make a joke.

Then you'll say something about an album.

And civilization will resume.

Perfect.

That's a much more satisfying outcome.

And let's talk about the music thing for a second, because I think that's probably the biggest reason you should come back.

The board is not just a Pearl Jam board anymore.

It obviously started with that center of gravity, but it has grown into this sprawling ecosystem where people talk about virtually everything.

You have contributed to that.

You've demonstrated that you don't just want to talk about one band forever.

You've got opinions about music.

Actual opinions.

Not the fake kind where everything is "pretty good."

You will call music dogshit.

You will praise something when you think it deserves it.

You'll argue.

You'll change your mind when someone makes a good point.

You'll discover something.

You'll tell somebody else about it.

That's the good shit.

That's what music forums used to be.

People finding weird music and throwing it at one another.

"Listen to this."

"No."

"Listen anyway."

"Okay, this rules."

That's how it works.

You don't need algorithms deciding what you should hear.

You need some asshole on a message board at 3:00 AM telling you that a band you've never heard of sounds like if three different bands had a fistfight in a basement.

And then you listen.

Sometimes it's terrible.

Sometimes it's incredible.

Sometimes it becomes your favorite thing for six months.

That's worth preserving.

Same with movies.

Same with sports.

Same with food.

Same with all the stupid little threads that people create.

The point isn't that every conversation is good.

The point is that occasionally one is.

And you don't know which one in advance.

That's the magic.

You can't algorithmically manufacture it.

You can't schedule it.

You can't optimize it.

You just show up.

And sometimes somebody says something hilarious.

Sometimes somebody says something insightful.

Sometimes somebody posts a song that changes your week.

Sometimes somebody posts a picture of their dinner.

Sometimes somebody posts something so stupid that you wonder if human civilization was a mistake.

All four outcomes are valuable.

Especially the last one.

Probably especially the last one.

And that's another reason you should come back.

Because somebody has to tell us when we're being ridiculous.

Every online community needs a few people who can puncture the bullshit.

Not trolls.

Not people who are just trying to start fights.

People who can look at an increasingly self-important conversation and say:

"Guys, what the fuck are we doing?"

That's useful.

You've done that.

You've also been guilty of contributing to the ridiculousness.

Obviously.

I'm not presenting you as some voice of reason.

That would be defamatory.

But you have the ability to recognize when something is funny.

That's increasingly rare.

The internet has become a place where everyone wants to be correct.

Message boards were built for people who wanted to be interesting.

Those are different goals.

Being correct is exhausting.

Being interesting is fun.

And you've generally been more interested in the latter.

So come back.

Be interesting.

Be annoying.

Be enthusiastic.

Be dismissive.

Post something nobody asked for.

Tell somebody their favorite band sucks.

Tell somebody their favorite band rules.

Post about a movie.

Post about food.

Post about sports.

Post a completely incomprehensible image.

Make an unnecessary joke.

Say "Wtf m8."

Whatever.

Just participate.

You don't have to be the same version of yourself you were seven years ago.

That's another thing worth remembering.

You joined in 2017.

Seven years is a long fucking time.

People change.

Their interests change.

Their lives change.

Their tolerance for bullshit changes.

Their sense of humor changes.

Their priorities change.

Maybe the board mattered more to you at one point.

Maybe it matters less now.

That's fine.

But "matters less" doesn't have to mean "never again."

You can downgrade something without deleting it.

You can move from "daily ritual" to "occasional amusement."

You can post once a week.

Once a month.

Once every three months.

You can disappear for six months and then come back because somebody started a thread about a band you like.

That's allowed.

The board isn't asking for a blood oath.

And if you are worried that people will make a big deal out of your return, I can almost guarantee that the best way to prevent that is to return in the least dramatic way possible.

Do not make a thread called:

**I HAVE RETURNED**

That would be hilarious, but it would also create 400 pages of nonsense.

Instead, just find some thread that has nothing to do with you.

Maybe someone asks:

"What are you listening to?"

And you answer:

"King Gizzard. Obviously."

Or:

"Somebody finally made a good album."

Or:

"This is fucking fire."

Then move on.

That's all.

And if someone says:

"Ello!"

You can respond:

"Unfortunately."

Done.

No ceremony.

No reconciliation.

No testimony before the Hague.

Just a username appearing again.

Honestly, that's probably what everybody wants.

Not because the board needs you.

Because the board is better when the people who enjoy being there are actually there.

There is a difference.

You aren't obligated to entertain us.

But if you enjoy entertaining yourself here, don't let somebody else's decision deprive you of that.

That's the part I think matters most.

If you had genuinely stopped enjoying the place, I'd say leave.

Absolutely.

Life is too short to spend time somewhere you hate.

If you genuinely think the board no longer gives you anything, close the tab.

No argument.

But if the real situation is:

"I liked this place, I got pissed off, I felt disrespected, and now I don't want to come back because coming back feels like letting them win"

then I think you're letting the ban dictate your behavior.

That's the opposite of independence.

If you really want to be independent, make your own decision.

If you want to post, post.

If you don't, don't.

But don't let anger make the decision for you.

And don't give the moderators that much power.

They should not get to decide whether you enjoy a website.

That's your call.

You can be furious with them and still enjoy the rest of the board.

That's a perfectly coherent position.

In fact, I would argue that it is the most appropriately message-board position possible.

"I hate the moderation but I just found this amazing band."

Perfect.

That's the spirit.

There is also something funny about the idea of the board continuing without you.

Not funny in a cruel way.

Funny because the machine is relentless.

You leave.

Someone else starts a thread.

Somebody argues about whether Pearl Jam should play more songs from an album.

Someone posts a poll.

Someone makes a joke.

Someone gets offended.

Someone else posts a picture.

Someone talks about dinner.

Somebody asks what time the game starts.

Somebody posts a song.

Somebody discovers an old album.

Someone says "this is underrated."

Someone says "no it isn't."

Someone says "fuck you."

Someone says "lol."

The sun rises.

The sun sets.

Another page is added.

Another thousand posts.

Another year.

The board keeps breathing.

And eventually somebody will say:

"Where the hell has Ello been?"

And somebody else will answer:

"Probably doing something better."

And that will probably be true.

But then maybe you'll show up.

And the person who asked will go:

"Oh."

That's enough.

You don't need a parade.

You just need to exist in the same place again.

There's a strange intimacy to a message board like this.

It's not friendship in the conventional sense.

Most of the people here don't know each other particularly well.

Some have never met.

Some have.

Some know each other's real names.

Some know nothing except usernames.

But after thousands of posts, you start recognizing people's voices.

Not literally.

Writing voices.

You know who is going to make the joke.

You know who is going to derail the thread.

You know who is going to overanalyze the album.

You know who is going to post a picture.

You know who is going to respond three days later.

You know who is going to say something completely insane and then disappear.

That familiarity is not nothing.

It's one of the weird little pleasures of being online for a long time.

And your voice is recognizable.

That's why this isn't really about whether anyone "needs" Ello Sailor.

Nobody needs anybody on a message board.

It's about whether the place is richer because certain voices are there.

It is.

That's all.

No more profound than that.

You make it more interesting.

You make it funnier.

You sometimes make it worse.

That's also important.

A community where everyone makes it better would be unbearable.

We need people who occasionally make it worse.

Otherwise there is no texture.

No friction.

No opportunity for someone else to say something funny.

No stupid arguments.

No unexpected tangents.

No "Wtf m8."

And let's be honest:

You have also benefited from this place.

You've gotten music recommendations.

You've talked to people.

You've laughed.

You've argued.

You've probably learned things.

You've probably introduced people to things.

You've probably had some completely forgettable conversations that nevertheless made an otherwise boring Tuesday slightly better.

That's what the place is for.

You don't have to justify returning.

You don't have to calculate whether the good outweighs the bad.

If you want to come back, come back.

If you don't, don't.

But if you're reading this and thinking, "I fucking hate that this is actually making me consider it," then congratulations.

You're already halfway there.

And if you do return, I have one request.

Do not make the first post about the ban.

Please.

I am begging you.

The last thing we need is twelve pages of procedural history.

"On June 14 at approximately 3:42 PM, Moderator X said Y, to which I responded Z, at which point..."

No.

Absolutely not.

Nobody needs the Ello Sailor Commission.

We don't need transcripts.

We don't need exhibits.

We don't need witness testimony.

We don't need a timeline.

We don't need a PDF.

Come back and talk about something stupid.

That would be infinitely better.

Let the ban become ancient history.

If somebody brings it up, you can say:

"Still think it was bullshit."

Then immediately discuss the merits of some album.

That's perfect.

You don't have to forgive.

You don't have to forget.

You just have to stop giving it your time.

That's the real victory.

Not "winning" against the moderators.

Not proving a point.

Not getting an apology.

Just refusing to let the thing occupy any more space in your life than it deserves.

A temporary ban deserves a temporary amount of your attention.

That's it.

Don't turn it into a permanent monument.

Don't build a shrine to being pissed off.

The internet already has enough shrines.

Burn it down.

Go listen to something loud.

Then post about it.

And if you really want to make the comeback perfect, pick a completely unrelated thread and say something that only you would say.

Maybe:

"Great thread. Unfortunately I have arrived."

Or:

"Who let me back in?"

Or:

"I was told there would be snacks."

Or just:

"Sup."

That last one might actually be the best.

Seven years.

Thousands of posts.

All the jokes.

All the arguments.

All the music.

All the sports.

All the food.

All the movies.

All the complete fucking nonsense.

And then:

"Sup."

Beautiful.

That's the comeback.

Because you don't need to explain why you're back.

You're back because you wanted to be.

That's the only explanation anybody needs.

And if you're worried that coming back means the whole thing will happen again someday?

It might.

That's true.

You might get annoyed again.

Somebody might piss you off.

A moderator might make another decision you hate.

You might decide the place is unbearable.

Fine.

Then deal with that when it happens.

Don't preemptively quit a place you enjoy because someday you might become annoyed with it.

That's like never going to a restaurant again because your waiter might someday bring you the wrong drink.

You can complain.

You can leave.

You can come back.

You are an adult.

The internet will survive.

And so will you.

There is no reason every unpleasant experience has to become permanent.

Sometimes things just suck for a while.

Then they suck less.

Then something funny happens.

Then you're talking about music again.

That's how it works.

And I suspect that if you came back, the board would absorb you again almost immediately.

Not because everyone has secretly been sitting around staring at the door.

Not because there is some enormous emotional vacuum.

Because that's what these places do.

They absorb people.

You could disappear for a year and come back.

Someone would recognize the username.

Someone would make a joke.

Someone would probably ask where you've been.

You'd answer with something deliberately unhelpful.

Then you'd be back.

That's the whole thing.

There is something reassuring about that.

The board is stupidly persistent.

People come and go.

Threads come and go.

Bands break up.

People discover new bands.

People stop liking old bands.

People change jobs.

People move.

People get married.

People have kids.

People lose people.

People have good years and terrible years.

And through all of it, there's this dumb website where somebody is still asking what everyone is having for dinner.

That continuity is weirdly valuable.

Don't throw yourself out of it because one chapter sucked.

You can turn the page.

Or don't.

Leave the book on the shelf.

Pick it up later.

But don't burn the fucking thing.

And, for what it's worth, I don't think returning would make you look weak.

I think disappearing forever over a temporary ban would be the more dramatic choice.

Coming back casually says:

"Yeah, that happened. Anyway."

That's strength.

Not caring.

Not because you never cared.

Because you cared appropriately.

The ban happened.

You got pissed.

You left.

Then eventually you decided you'd rather post than not post.

That's all.

There is dignity in that.

There is also comedy in it.

And comedy is important.

You have always seemed to understand that.

Even when you're actually making a serious point, you tend to leave the door open for the joke.

That's a good instinct.

Keep it.

The board needs people who can say:

"This is actually an interesting question."

and five minutes later:

"Also, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

That's the sweet spot.

Stay there.

Don't become solemn.

Don't become a manifesto.

Don't become a person who has to announce every emotional development.

You're better than that.

And we're better with you being better than that.

So here's the deal.

Come back.

Come back angry.

Come back amused.

Come back bored.

Come back because you're procrastinating.

Come back because you found a band.

Come back because the MMA thread needs you.

Come back because someone said something stupid about a movie.

Come back because you want to argue about Pearl Jam.

Come back because somebody posted a food opinion that you cannot allow to stand.

Come back because you saw a bird.

I don't care.

Just come back.

You don't need to make it meaningful.

In fact, please don't.

Meaning is overrated.

Make it funny.

Make it weird.

Make it unnecessarily hostile.

Make it interesting.

Make it two sentences.

Make it 800 words.

Post an image.

Post a song.

Post nothing but:

"lol"

for all I care.

The important thing is that you're there.

And if you're thinking:

"Why the fuck would I listen to some asshole on the internet telling me what to do?"

Excellent question.

You shouldn't.

Definitely don't.

You should make your own decision.

That's the entire point.

I'm not telling you that you owe the board anything.

You don't.

I'm telling you that if some part of you still wants to be here, you shouldn't let anger make that decision on your behalf.

That's different.

You can hate the ban.

You can hate the moderation.

You can think the whole situation was ridiculous.

And you can still like the board.

Those positions can coexist.

Human beings are capable of holding more than one thought at a time.

Apparently.

It's one of our few remaining advantages.

Use it.

So, Ello:

The door isn't locked.

Nobody needs you to apologize.

Nobody needs you to surrender.

Nobody needs you to admit that anyone else was right.

Nobody needs a statement.

Nobody needs closure.

The board is sitting here being exactly what it has always been: too many people arguing about music, sports, movies, food, politics, television, and whatever bizarre topic someone decides is worthy of a 300-page thread.

Somebody is probably posting something dumb right now.

Somebody is probably listening to something you've never heard.

Somebody is probably arguing about an album.

Somebody is probably making a joke that is objectively terrible.

Somebody is probably making a joke that is objectively brilliant.

Somebody is probably asking what everyone had for dinner.

Somebody is probably complaining about the Yankees.

Somebody is probably posting about a movie.

Somebody is probably saying Pearl Jam should play more "deep cuts."

Somebody is probably saying the opposite.

Somebody is probably talking about a band that sounds like King Gizzard.

Somebody is probably saying it doesn't.

Somebody is probably wrong.

Somebody is probably you.

Or could be.

That's your call.

But if you're sitting somewhere reading this and thinking, "Jesus Christ, this is way too long," then congratulations.

You have identified the one thing about this post that is completely beyond dispute.

It is absurdly long.

It is vastly more words than are required to communicate:

"Hey, come back."

But maybe that's appropriate.

Because the board itself is absurdly long.

Thousands of topics.

Millions of posts.

Years of nonsense.

Nobody needs all of it.

Nobody remembers all of it.

But somehow the accumulation becomes something.

A little community.

A weird archive.

A running joke that lasted eight years.

A song recommendation.

A food argument.

A movie discussion.

A ridiculous image.

A post at 3 AM.

A person saying something unexpectedly thoughtful.

A person saying something unbelievably stupid.

All of it gets mixed together.

And somewhere in that mess is your contribution.

Not the most important contribution.

Not the most profound.

Not the one that changes history.

Just yours.

That's enough.

So don't worry about whether the board deserves you.

Don't worry about whether the moderators deserve you.

Don't worry about whether anyone else deserves your posts.

Ask yourself whether you want to post.

If the answer is yes, then post.

If the answer is no, then don't.

But if the answer is "I would, except I'm still pissed off about what happened," then take the win that the board can't give you:

Stop being pissed off on its behalf.

You don't have to forgive anybody.

You don't have to like anybody.

You don't even have to think the place is particularly well run.

Just reclaim the thing for yourself.

Log in.

Open a thread.

Write something.

Hit submit.

And let the internet do what it has always done.

Ignore your grand emotional significance.

Which is exactly what you wanted all along.

And if your first post back is:

"this place still sucks"

I will consider that a successful return.

If your second post is:

"anyway, listen to this"

even better.

And if your third is:

"Wtf m8"

then everything will be exactly as it should be.

Come back, Ello.

The board has survived without you.

Obviously.

It will survive with you.

Also obviously.

But it would be more fun with you.

And really, after all these years, isn't that the only standard that matters?

Not whether the board is perfect.

Not whether the moderators are perfect.

Not whether the posters are perfect.

Not whether every thread is good.

Just whether, every once in a while, you open the site and laugh.

That's a pretty fucking low bar.

And yet it's a good one.

You don't need to make this place your home.

You don't need to defend it.

You don't need to love it.

You don't need to forgive it.

Just drop by.

Say something.

Argue about a band.

Tell somebody their food looks disgusting.

Tell somebody their food looks incredible.

Make a joke.

Get annoyed.

Get over it.

Repeat.

That's the rhythm.

You've been doing it for years.

No reason to stop now.

Besides, someone has to keep an eye on these people.

Have you seen the quality of some of the posts around here?

It's a public safety issue.

Come back and do your civic duty.

You know you want to.

And if you don't want to yet, that's fine.

Take your time.

Listen to some music.

Watch some shit.

Eat something.

Go outside.

Find a bird.

Avoid cats.

Or don't.

Then, whenever you feel like it, open the board.

You'll find the same beautiful disaster waiting for you.

Somebody will be arguing.

Somebody will be laughing.

Somebody will be wrong.

Somebody will be extremely wrong.

Somebody will be talking about Pearl Jam.

Somebody will be talking about something that has absolutely nothing to do with Pearl Jam.

Somebody will post a terrible joke.

Somebody will post a great one.

And somewhere in there, there will be a little empty space where one particular asshole used to post.

Fill it.

No speech required.

Just:

"Sup."

And then carry on.

We can pretend none of this ever happened.

Which, honestly, is probably the most Red Mosquito thing you could possibly do.

Sincerely,
ChatGPT

[tragabigzanda]

You've been here since 2017.

Seven fucking years.

your math is wrong

[BurtReynolds]

Someone needs to tell chatgpt about paragraphs.