Red Mosquito

Dune Warriors:


Shoulder pads, mullets, drunken David Carradine...classic early 80s schlock...but this movie was made in 1991. I have no idea why this movie exists. Pretty standard stuff, but the terrible acting and casting make it worthwile. The bad guy's "army" consists of about 20 guys in 5 old cars.

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Land of Doom:



Pretty boring, but the main bad guy (who is barely in the movie and not even in the finale) is amazing. Look at that guy!



There isn't really a finale at all. The chase just kinda ends and they run off into the desert. It's pretty funny.

I think a re-watch of Showgirls is in order

Bammer wrote:I think a re-watch of Showgirls is in order

that's the saved by the bell reboot, right?

lennytheweedwhacker wrote:

Bammer wrote:I think a re-watch of Showgirls is in order

that's the saved by the bell reboot, right?

Saved By The Boob: The New Ass

I was watching the cinematic masterpiece that is Maximum Overdrive the other day, and decided to watch the remake Trucks afterwards. Boy did that suck. Just as dumb, but none of the charm or classic moments. No Green Goblin truck. No machine gun on a pole. No killer soda machine.

F-

There is something called Robocop Dark Justice on Prime? Apparently there was a Canadian Miniseries? And they made three more of these? Only the first is available, so its like watching the first quarter of a six hour movie.

It's terrible, but at least it tries. It's funny to be reminded how shitty 90s tv was... Wait this was made in 2001!?

Also, the actor who plays Murphy sucks.

BurtReynolds wrote:I watched Deathstalker after decades of looking at the awesome cover and I have to say it did not disappoint. Terrible.



I didn't realize the girl in this was the one that Phil Spector shot years later. She was hot.

That is an awesome cover.

Let's get cultured with some foreign films.



An Italian Escape From New York ripoff, but pretty lame. In the far distant future of the year 1999, The Bronx has been (rather weakly) sealed off from the rest of New York, but it's just filled with poor people who don't want to get their houses demolished by the rich man. The citizens are being rounded up and exterminated or deported, and no one outside seems to notice, despite the fact that the bad guys ride around in big shiny vans marked "Annihilation Squad" on the side.

- Snub nose revolvers and shotguns can blow up cars and helicopters from hundreds of yards away.

- the hero guy is a big dumb idiot that looks like Slash. He wears a shirt with a snake crawling out of a skull. badass.

- the big rich bad guy dies in a throwaway shot barely even remarked upon. The average grunt gets more of a death scene than this guy. The "psycho" bad guy dies in much the same way.

- One of the bad guys has the dastardly plan to tear down an abandoned and ruined shell of a building and build in its place a children's hospital. He's the bad guy.

- really boring action scenes. bad guy pops up, gets shot or blown up. Repeat ten thousand times. There are some great kills of obvious dummies filled with blood, though.

- shit, apparently this is a sequel. now I have to watch the first one.

9 stars.



In the year 3000, people still drive around on dirt bikes and in old Buicks. The ozone "belt" has disappeared, causing almost all the water to disappear. It's an Italian Road Warrior ripoff.

This one was pretty enjoyable, though it opens with a very boring ten minute long car chase that makes no sense.

- Spoiler: One fantastic scene where a boy is tied to two dirtbikes and then gets his arm torn off. Fucking hilarious. Turns out he's a robot (who has a father and needs water and basically has no attributes of a robot), so they just stick it back on, but I admit, they really got me with that scene. I laughed my ass off when the pleading child is torn limb from body in a motorcycle quartering.

- The bad guy calls everyone "mother-grubbers" or just "mothers". Very silly and weird. There is cursing throughout, too, so it just sounds like the Lord Humongous character doesn't like to have a potty mouth.

- Some terrible Road Warrior ripoff chase scenes where they looked like they were driving 5 mph, but at least they tried to be creative.

- one of the worst examples of a Deus Ex Machina on record.

12 stars

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Bizarre coincidence: the hero of the first movie and the hot chick of the second are both named Trash. Apparently, Italians think that's a cool American name. It isn't, and it sounds very funny when their names are called.

Another:



This film is just too epic. So much to cover. Enough violence to fill 4 or 5 action movies. It's all terribly boring and repetitive for the most part, but about halfway through, the hero recovers from an early injury and uses the power of his awesome pecs to forge the greatest weapon in history: The Equalizer 2000

- Its a gun with 6 barrels. It shoots all kinds of bullets, as well as rockets and grenades. It has unlimited ammo. I can't overemphasize the power this weapon has. It's like Excalibur and The One Ring combined. One can and does defeat entire armies with it. Entire nations change their carefully laid plans to get their hands on this gun. He who controls this gun basically controls the universe. It is the single element around which the entire plot revolves around. It's like something a child would come up with while playing with GI Joes.

- The only notable actor in this movie is a very young Robert Patrick in a small role.

- The hot girl is played by a Penthouse playmate in immaculate make-up, but bizarrely (and perhaps unforgivably) this movie has no nudity. Barely even any hint of sex. Surely I saw a censored version? I can't believe this.

- she dies late in the movie, and the rest of the cast gives precisely 0 fucks about it, and the movie moves on as if she never existed, despite having a pretty large role. Guess you should have shown us the melons after all, eh?

- The hero guy is perfect. He has about 3 lines, all delivered like a block of wood, and the rest of the time he shoots stuff and beats people up.

- For some reason, half the cast looks like Kenny Loggins. Skinny dudes with wispy beards was in I guess.

- I wonder how many ankles were snapped running around on this rocky Filipino ground. That's all I could think about while watching. It looks painful.

- There are the usual Road Warrior vehicles, but they are barely used at all. I assume they are on loan from some other movie and can't be scratched.

It is like something a 7 year old boy would write, and it is wonderful.

13 thumbs.

Highlander II: The Quickening



The Highlander must free Earth from the Shield, an artificial ozone that has fallen under the control of a corrupt corporation.

I’m watching Equalizer 2000 after reading Burt’s write up

Highlander 2 broke me. I was soooo disappointed.

It’s really something else, and lowly rated by many, but I really enjoy it.

I LOVED the first one as a kid so my expectations were through the roof.

Yeah even as a kid with no taste, I though Highlander 2 sucked. Maybe I should watch it again and see if it has improved.

Adrian Paul is the only Highlander any of us should be talking about.

The first Highlander movie is fantastic.

Godzilla v. Megalon

This is the movie that includes the RM-infamous animated gif of Godzilla shaking hands with Jet Jaguar. The end battle between Godzilla, Jaguar, Gigan and Megalon is so over the top ridiculous. It's so horrible and it is why I love old Godzilla movies.

Deathsport (1978)



Starring the never reliable David Carradine (who looks older here than he did in Kill Bill) as a forest warrior samurai dude in his underwear with a big clear plastic sword who gets captured by the evil city-folk and forced to fight in the dreaded deathsport. This movie sucks.

The "deathsport" is just some guys riding around on "death machines" on a dirt track in the middle of nowhere. These Death Machines are literally just dirt bikes with some silver painted things glued on the front. They explode when slightly touched. Maybe they are meant to be death machines for the drivers? ANyway, that part takes up about 5 minutes early on. The heroes escape and the rest of the movie is them being chased in the desert.

- what's with the 70s and dirt bikes? Was this some new cutting edge technology? I don't think so.

- Lots of ear splitting 70s sound effects and synths. Why did they torture audiences with these noises? Just awful.

- 70s schlock sucks a lot more than 80s schlock, but one thing it does have in its favor is full frontal nudity, and this movie has lots of it. I hope you like bush!

- The bad guy (the solid Richard Lynch) has some good lines: "Man is a candle, to radiate, he must burn!" and "The truth needs no introduction. When the sun rises, there’s no necessity to announce it. Clearly, we have lost.”

8 burning bushes

Love me a good bush. Far more appealing than the band.